I think this is one of the reasons why I have a blog. Sometimes I just need to talk about things and get them off my chest and I love when people comment and tell me how they can relate and that they have been through it, etc. I love to know I am not the only one! Well, here is my little confession. I have been dealing with anxiety for a few years now off and on. I feel like it is at it's worst when I am feeling worn out and I am running on everyone else's schedules and I let myself become the last priority. When I get stressed, my mind goes back to all of the things that I have done wrong in my life. One of which really bothers me.
I know we are all human and we all make mistakes, but the hard part is having to deal with the fact that I actually made that mistake. It happened over five years ago and I still beat myself up over it. It's ridiculous! Seriously, it is little. I know it is. I have told some close friends and even the bishop because I felt so bad. I have had people laugh at me and others tell me they wouldn't give it a second thought. Everyone just tells me to drop it and move on. I'm trying I promise, but it is so hard! I seriously have nightmares about it. It is stupid, but it still hurts me that I did it. It is SO not me to do. I have been making a mountain out of a mull hill for sure.
It has created a problem for me because when I look back at my "big" mistakes, they all seem to be during my college years in Utah. As a result, I have never gone back to Utah. I think it brought out the worst in me. I rationalized all my decisions because everyone else was doing the same thing. So I don't like Utah and that is why. This wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that Chad's parents moved there a few years ago. They want us to come up and visit and I want to, but I am so scared of being there. Weird, right? It brings back way to many memories of mistakes made. I don't want to deprive my in-laws a chance of spending time with their grandkids and son because of my fears. That's not fair to them. I'm trying to figure out how I can put things back into perspective in my life. This needs to fade into the background of my life as I press forward. I think the stresses of life just have a way of pulling it back up.
Most of the time when I go to church, things are fine and I leave uplifted. Other times, I will go and I being to compare myself to others. That is the worst. I think of these people walking around with halos glowing above them. It is so hard sometimes to sit there and feel so inferior! I know they aren't perfect, but it is hard to see them making the mistakes I did. I always feel I fall short of the mark. I have flaws all over the place. I won't make it to every meeting or always have my VT done on time. I might yell at my kids and say something rude about someone else. I am human, but it is so defeating.
I need so badly to get over this. It is stealing the joy from my life. It exhausts me, haunts me and stresses me. I know I have been forgiven, especially since it is such a little thing, but I have created a monster from it. I need to take the power from it and learn to live in the moment. I can't let this fear take from my happiness. I need to enjoy the life and blessings I am given each day. Most importantly, I can't let it take from the duties I have as a mother to love and nurture my kids and husband. They are most important and the rest falls away.
I've come to appreciate so much more the blessings of friends and family. There have been times where they were like heaven sent angels. Someone would take a child for me or stop by or ask me to come out and play or just call on the phone and one of my favorites was a sweet letter. That makes me count my blessings. I am grateful for you all and would love some prayers as I try to ditch the baggage in my life and move on!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
It's cathartic
The latest by The Trotter Family at 12:03 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 Quick Thoughts:
Oh man, been there done that! I have one big ticket item in my life that still haunts me, too. Consequently, I have let it take over a lot of my life, and sometimes I even felt like I wasn't worthy of happiness because of it. I have complete empathy, as opposed to sympathy. I also think talking it out is a good first step. And even if people denegrate the bad act itself, it doesn't mean it wasn't an important moment in your life. It is good to recognize that we all make mistakes, and at the same time that we must all learn to move forward. I will keep you in my prayers.
I think it's so great that you acknowledge what is happening instead of just using it as an excuse. Don't worry, I know that you can pull through it - you're one of the happiest, fun girls I know and I'd hate to see the happy pulled out of you! Hang in there - you'll be in our prayers!
p.s. it has been WAY too long since I've seen you. I may have to make a trek out to Irvine or something. Maybe we can meet up?!
Wow, I've been there too. What ended up helping (after some counseling) was as soon as I realized I was dwelling on the negative to just stop. Make it forbidden territory, unless you need to think about it as a learning experience or something. I don't know if that will help, but considering you've done so much else to work on it, it might. I think going to Utah will be a good thing. Get some good memories up there. I know what you mean, though. I'm kind of prejudiced against a place too! Glad to know it's not just me, because I know it's not rational :) Oh, Cafe Rio & The Sweet Tooth Fairy can't hurt if you're up there :):):)
I am one big anxious ball of fear at times as well...ok, a LOT of times. I am constantly needing to remind myself that I think Satan tries to crowd our heads with fear so we can't think of the good things and move on with uplifting thoughts...he would be SO happy if we always lived in fear...it's one of those things that's easier said than done though. And I agree with Michelle- go and make GOOD memories and the negative ones will be even more distant memories.
Rach my love... you are such a sweety. you can pull through it! i know we have talked in detail about this very yhting, and i doubt very much if their is anyone any where with a shinier halo! your human... mistakes are inevitable...but you make very few! I love you! keep on keepin on!
We all have baggage that we need to ditch...we are human. But I have to say, in the time that I have spent with you, I see such a genuine, trustworthy, kind-hearted person. If you ever need ANYTHING, please call me :) I always enjoy chatting or hanging out with you.
Rach- you are incredible, thanks for sharing this. I agree that everyone has something in their life that they look back on and regret... and who's to say that it's "big" or "little" thing? It's obviously big to you, and that makes it important and worthy on spending time on to deal with. I wonder if maybe it's harder to deal with because you feel like it should be inconsequential (but it's not!) and therefore don't take the time necessary to hash it out. And while it may be tough to take the time now (whatever that means for you- time alone, couseling, whatever)think of what a happier, more fulfilled wife and mom you'll be once it's done. If anyone can do it, you can!
On a side note, I love and admire and want to be you not because you're adorable or your kids are cute (which they ARE) or because you have it all together (which it seems like you DO!) but because you are a genuine, caring, fun person that I love spending time with. Thank you for your friendship.
I studied psychology at BYU, and have since gone on to keep up a little bit of research on the topic since I graduated. I myself struggle with anxiety and obsessive thoughts, which it sounds like you do as well. The obsessive thoughts thing isn't as bad as it sounds. Simply stated, you just can't stop thinking about things. It is a common thing to have with anxiety. I have come to respect Dr. Daniel Amen, a psychiatrist in the Newport Beach area. He has quite a few books and youtube videos available if you want to get a feel for him. He contests that the anxious brain is overstimulated in specific areas, and that it needs to be calmed. There are many ways he says this can be accomplished, medication being one of them. And the hopeful part of this is that most people only need medication for a few years to fix the brain into it's regular function. I bet that it is all related, and thought I would pass on my thoughts and you can take it or leave it. If you want to know some of his books, or get some of the youtube links, let me know, or just look into it yourself. But, you should know that you don't have to be haunted by it and you anxiety is probably more to blame (if not 100%) than your guilt.
Post a Comment