I decided that something was wrong with me and finally went to get help. I had anxiety and didn't know why and I was just unhappy with my life. I couldn't figure out why. I thought I was a weirdo. I was going to go see about anti-depressants, but Chad said he didn't think that should be the first step, so I got the name and number of a therapist. I know, who has a therapist, right? Well, Wednesday I went and told her what I was going through and she was wonderful. She told me that she didn't think I needed any drugs, but that I needed to take time for me. I had too many demands and requirement of myself and I need to do only what is needed and the others could fall away. I didn't realize how much I had going on until she put it together. After nine months of being sick, I thought I would get a break. Instead, I had a colicky child that has me sleep deprived and frustrated. I have had clogged ducts almost every month since. I still have a three year old to look after and he is pushing every limit he can and refuses to potty train. To top it off I was trying to get everything done and done perfectly each day. I would find out by the end of the day that the house was clean, laundry done, kids cleaned and dressed, and dinner on the table, however, I had spent little time with Micah, hadn't done anything fun for me and Brooklyn would start screaming again. No wonder I was getting depressed! Here are some of the things she told me that helped and I am writing them down more as a reminder for me than anything else:
*This is just a season in my life and it will change soon.
*The kids won't remember how clean the house was, but they will remember how they were cared for.
*I don't have to do it all or be it all.
*I need to prioritize my life with what really is important.
*Perfection is impossible and I should never let it tell me I will never be good enough because it takes away hope.
*Perfection and judgment should be taken out of the home with the trash.
*Perfection tends to follow around people that try really hard to be good.
*If the dishes, laundry and dinner aren't done, we will be just fine and I can do it another time.
*If I begin to feel anxious about things not being done, I need to take time to do something for myself.
*I NEED to take care of myself to take care of others, so get rest and make time for fun.
OK, so I am imperfect. I already knew that, I don't like it, but it is true. Days before I went in to see this lady (who I think is great) I started to talk about how I was feeling a little bit more and have found that a lot of people have these thoughts and feeling. I think a lot of it come with motherhood. So I want to know if anyone reading this blog has felt overwhelmed and pressured in their life and what they do to fight it off. Anyways, I have been busy the last few days with much more relaxing activities. The dishes might be in the sink and laundry sitting in a pile, but I am out and about and much happier now!
*This is just a season in my life and it will change soon.
*The kids won't remember how clean the house was, but they will remember how they were cared for.
*I don't have to do it all or be it all.
*I need to prioritize my life with what really is important.
*Perfection is impossible and I should never let it tell me I will never be good enough because it takes away hope.
*Perfection and judgment should be taken out of the home with the trash.
*Perfection tends to follow around people that try really hard to be good.
*If the dishes, laundry and dinner aren't done, we will be just fine and I can do it another time.
*If I begin to feel anxious about things not being done, I need to take time to do something for myself.
*I NEED to take care of myself to take care of others, so get rest and make time for fun.
10 Quick Thoughts:
Hey Rachel... I only have one but I know what you mean. I thought being a mom and getting everything done perfectly would come naturally...truth be told, I was much better excelling at work (it seems to me) that excelling in the home. I have just tried to change my mindset a little to set SMALL goals. If cleaning one room really well will make me feel accomplished- do it. If taking Tyler out to the park will make me feel accomplished- do it. If visiting with a friend seems to sound right for today...etc. I also had a coliky little man for the first (forever) 3-4 months. It is crazy. That alone can wear you down so fast. I PROMISE it ends. They become the cute, adorable, happy babies they were meant to be all along. I am so glad that you are taking time for yourself. I think that is a hard, but necessary, thing to do. Maybe I'll convince my hubby to let me do a little more of it. Hope you keep feeling better each day!!
Wow! Thanks for the great notes. This is exactly what I needed right now. I have so many days where I feel overwhelmed, overworked, and unappreciated. Aaron is making changes here and there to help improve my quality of life and I appreciate his thoughtfulness...even the littlest stuff means a lot to me. Like you, I am trying to not put that pressure on myself to be the perfect mom and wife. There's a sign by my kitchen sink that says, "My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy." That is my new motto. I want to be a good mom for the girls so for me that has meant re-prioritizing. They have always been my priority but I have a better perspective now. Thank you for (unknowingly) helping me! It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. Thanks for your support and please let me know if I can ever help you or give you a break somehow.
rachel, perfect post. seriously, perfect. life is hard with two little ones, and i am so happy that you got such great advice. everything that she said is so true and i need to remember it too!
oh, and the saying on that sign- "keep calm, carry on" is totally my mantra, i say it to myself alllllll day long.
I'm glad you went to a therapist and I am glad it isn't post-partum.
Those are good notes for all people, men or women, parent of not. :)
:) See my most recent post entitle "overwhelmed" :):):) I totally agree with your therapist & luckily I've saved some money by having a husband to teach me those things! After writing my post I sat down & watched TV & got nothing done for the rest of the night, but Kevin was happy because NO ONE likes it when I'm stressed out!!! It's so hard, because in any other situation when there are things to be done you need to get to work, but if you take that approach at home you'll never stop working! If you ever want to drop your kids off & hang out with a friend or Chad just give me a call (after we're done moving!).
Rachel I think you are so amazing! Thanks for sharing, I know when I have kidos I will be going through the same thing, so it's nice to have some insight to what is coming and how to deal with it. I love you, keep on trucking, do I need to come down for a mani pedi time with you? Cause I will...I will sacrifice that for you! :)
I think everyone needs a little therapy session like this now and again. It's like speed reading a self-help book in a matter of just a few hours, and it's got to make you put things into perspective! Thank for the post, for the reminder, and for keeping it real :)
Rachel, I just love you. I have seriously wondered several times how YOU seem to do it all. Honestly. Your house is always impeccable when I come over and it all seems to effortless. I know that's not true, but I've always loved your controled grip on life. It amazes me. What I'm trying to say is that this stage does not define who you are. I was going to write what things help me get through tough times like this, but I realized everyone's motivation is different and you have to find what works for you to get over the hump. But I know you will. Of course you will. You're Rachel Christine Trotter! One of my best friends in the entire world and at the very least one of my favorite! You approach things with such confidence and ease that I've always tried to emulate. I've ALWAYS loved that about you. You don't question yourself or care what others think. You do what you have to do and get it done well. I've seen you do it so many times.
If I could just recommend one thing though (despite what I said above), it would be to write in your journal. When I'm having a tough time it is one of the most therapeutic things I can do. It puts my thoughts in order and helps me devise a plan (even if I don't follow through w/ it, I just feel better having one in my head :) ). And then I can lament and complain all I want w/ no weird looks from my husband, or advice - because I really don't want advice most of the time anyway when I'm tellign him about my woes. :)
You are amazing Rach, and I'm thinking about you. I'll call you in about a year or two when I'm in the same situation with my second little one to see how you do. And I know you'll amaze me with that answer too! Hang in there. This will all pass. (And will pass sooner once Brooklyn lets you sleep through the night. That part's the worst, sorry.) But yes, it will all pass. And you're amazing. And I love you. Kay, enough writing.
Motherhood is tough, no mom will tell you differently but also these are the best years of it, so thay say, so it is good to be reminded that we should just enjoy these little ones while they are little. They might be potty trained later or cry less or sleep more but when they are older they don't love on you and hug you and kiss you and tell you they love you for no reason all the time so I guess besides having a messy house and being sleep deprived this is the best time. we are so loved by those for whom we care for
These are all such great words of advice Rachel! It is very hard to have young ones at home. My neighbor Patti who has two kids ages 8 and 9 sees me everyday. She never fails to tell me "I am glad to NOT be in your shoes Summer. I don't miss those days being home all day with young ones." She went on to tell me that she would watch the clock everyday to see when 5:30 would be so that her husband could be home. I find myself with those same thoughts sometimes. It is really hard and tiring. I have let so many things go to just allow myself some me time. I think it is important. It is also important to let dishes and dusting go and just spend time with your kids. It goes by so quick.. they grow up so fast. I do always tell Bryan though that I promise when the kids are all in elementary school that my house will be clean and organized b/c I won't have someone making messy what I just cleaned up 20 minutes ago! Oh Rach... your doing a good job!!
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