I know sometimes people use their blogs as an outlet of their feelings. I really haven't too much. I try to only put things on here that I think people would want to see or hear. You know, all the happy fun things. Truth is, I have been really struggling to be happy lately. I couldn't pinpoint one thing or another, but I think a few things have really been getting me down. I know the whole perfection thing gets to me. I have a hard time forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made. I feel easily overwhelmed by life in general and motherhood can be scary for me. I always feel like I am screwing up. I never take time for myself and a lot of that has to do with me feeling like it is a selfish thing and I don't deserve it. I think post partem depression plays a part as well. I also have the strangest and often very scary nightmares that I can't seem to shake. They follow me throughout the day. I know logically that this all sounds dumb, but I think I think it over so much that my body's reaction to it all has taken over. The feeling of stress, anxiety and/or sadness can be too much for me. I find myself upset a lot. A lot of tears have been shed and Micah now will randomly pretend to cry. I hope this hasn't affected him negatively. Today, I went from taking a nice nap today to waking up and feeling like I had a stress level of 11! I don't know why, but I do. I finally gave in. After months and months of dealing with this and thinking I could get over it on my own, I went in to see a doctor and get anti-depressants. I got the lowest does possible and took my first dose about a half hour ago. I am hoping this puts life back into perspective. I feel like things are just out of whack. I have never been the type to blow things out of proportion, but everything has been difficult for me. I want to be able to feel like the strong, confident, easy-going person I used to be. I am hoping that it is my body's chemistry that is off after having two kids and can be straightened out. I don't want this to be something that follows me any longer. What scares me most is putting Chad through this. He has been my biggest supporter by far. Comforting me many many nights and talling me how much he loves me. I know this is me blowing things out of proportion again, but I fear that one day he will just say he has had enough and it isn't worth it and pick up and leave. I know he wouldn't, but the thought scares me enough to swallow that pill and make an appointment with a counselor to work on getting me back to the person I used to know. To all my friends, you are all wonderful and I am sorry if I have put on a front and made you think things are just hunky dory. Don't feel sorry for me. I think these things just happen sometimes. Everyone has to experience trials in their lives, right? I really haven't had any before this, so I guess it was just my time. I will make it through this and hopefully be much stronger for it. Maybe more compassionate, gentler, more patient too. We will just have to wait and see. In the mean time, I have to find me again. I need to find a hobby to raise my seretonin level!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
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Don't be down on yourself! You are doing an amazing job--whether you see it right now or not.... and you shouldn't view medication as a "dirty thing"... there's a reason why we have it. You are one of my inspirations as a parent--I hope Russ and I can be at least half as good as you and Chad some day. I'm jelous that you are able to have these trials.... I wish I could. (I know you're thinking if she only knew..but I do!). Anyway, stay positive, there is a REASON for EVERYTHING!!!! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help...maybe you need a few more girls nights out? ;)
You could have fooled me Miss Perfect! Cute Rachel, cute kids, nice house, funny blog posts! I REALLY appreciate and ADORE honest people. I think it says something about a person when they aren't scared to hide things in their life! So kudos to you girl. And NO ONE is perfect. Everyone has their different trials and struggles. I went through a period before I had kids similar to yours where I had to see a therapist and Bryan thought I was looney. I had panic attacks and had to take Xanax sometimes. It's all good Rach! I bet it is a simple hormone imbalance. Let me know if you need anything.
P.S. Being a mother is NOT easy!
My Dear Cousin Rachel, I want you to know that you are perfectly perfect in all your "imperfections" and I love you. Thank you for sharing so candidly in your blog. We are related and I totally relate to your situation. I refer to the first year of my second son's life as "the hardest time in my life. Mothering my first while not without its challenges seemed to come very easily and naturally. Totally the opposite with my second. I felt very alone in my pain while I was doing my best to put on a good face. I taught 7 Water Aerobics classes a week plus running Laughter Club and my organic food business which also included leading the Nationwide conference calls. I have no idea what I was trying to prove and to whom I was trying to prove it to. I wandered around feeling totally overwhelmed, exhausted and confused wondering why I was so tired. Sometimes I woke up with my right side totally numb because I was clenched so tight in my not enough sleep. Oh, I had the dreams too. My theory is that our body does this to us so we will be extra super careful to ensure the survival of our species. As for the crying, it came out one day during Laughter Club--obviously a very inopportune time. Advice: know that you are not alone. People remarkably understand. Children are extremely resilient and it gets better after the first year. I would also recommend scheduling "me" time. Group exercise is a good thing. Give yourself a break, you wouldn't make such rough judgments against anyone else. Lots and Lots of Love, Cousin Claire :)
Rach, I'm glad you're taking charge & seeing someone. Having kids IS so hard & the whole hormones-out-of-whack thing is harder than it sounds. I have never been on meds, but I really should have at some points! Your kids & hubby are really lucky to have you. Don't feel guilty for putting on a happy front, everyone does at some point. I hope the anti-depressants help & that the dose works great!
You are amazing!! Good for you for taking this by the horns and getting the help you need :) I think that is the hardest step. You are such a strong person and I do look up to you :) Our trial has been hard, not being able to have kids, but you just have to look at it like there is something the Lord wants me to learn from this situation and move forward and I think you are doing a great job of that! We love you :)
Rachel, I am so proud of you for realizing that this might be something you can't do on your own. There is nothing wrong with saying you need help with something, so good for you. I know sometimes it is really hard to admit it and do something about it. I really, truly hope things start going better for you. I guess it's about time that you, me and Tina all got together and made a music video....good times! good times!
Seriously, the brain and chemicals and hormones are such a tricky thing. I get so out of wack sometimes (mostly with worry) and I KNOW I am so off track...it is intriquing to me how it all works and how the chemicals in our body can make us feel a certain way and I totally support getting help at a point! You are so great and so honest, and so inspiring! Keep up the good work and don't feel guilty in treating yourself. You can only fill other's cups when your's first is full :)
I have to believe that despite all the worrying, somewhere deep dwon you know what an incredible mom you are- otherwise there's no hope for any of us! You are amazing and an absolute inspiration, not just as a mom, but as a person. Hopefully this will be the lift that you need to feel like yourself again. I know you know I'm here for whatever, but PLEASE don't hesitate.
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