My Blessings

#1. My Chad. He has been supportive, understanding, and steady through all of this. Love him!
#2. Micah. He is just all around awesome. If you don't believe me, meet him!#3. Brooklyn. My sassy beautiful blondie. She is my cuddle buddy and I love how she is becoming a chatterbox!

Not a tear

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I feel like I am getting stronger, but the emotions are still up and down even without tears. I think it is hormones. The emotions are similar to when I had the other two. The difference being that you normally get a high with the baby and bonding with it and the lows come from exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. Now I have to try and feel my way through this all without a baby. I am hoping it all evens out soon.

In a way I feel broken. I mean, this is supposed to be an innate quality that a woman holds, right? I should be able to conceive and carry a healthy child. I have done it twice before. Part of me wants to get pregnant again to kind of prove to myself that I am OK. I heard that this is pretty common and that some use this as a healing method. I can't do that. This pregnancy was a total surprise and although we would have been able to make it work, it would be tight. I can't knowingly put my family into a financial bind to prove to myself that I am still biologically sound. That just wouldn't be responsible. I know God provides, but he also helps those who help themselves. I don't think it is a good idea to just have kids and throw my hands up and say "OK God, I'm waiting."

So far I have made a few realized a few things. For one, I never thought I would desire another child the way I do now. I really do want a third and feel like I can handle being a mother of three. I also realize what a miracle it is to carry and deliver a healthy child to full term. It makes me cherish my kids even more and feel blessed. Now, I obviously understand and empathize with those who have been through a miscarriage. I really used to think nothing of it, but I was so wrong. It is a loss at any stage of the game. I am sure I have many more lessons to learn, but I am trying to negotiate with God to make them easier to learn!

Through the Wringer

This is going to be a long post. I figured if I get it all out then it will help me pick up and move on. Here is how it went:

Thursday I spent the day cleaning and packing for our trip to Utah. Chad's sister had planned a surprise party for his mom about six months ago and we were going to head up. I was just waiting for my doctor's appointment at 5 pm and then we would jump on the freeway and go. Chad dropped me off at the doctor and took the kids. I went in and waited to be seen. I was put in a room at 5:15 and waited and waited. It was taking forever. I told myself if it got to 5:55 I was going to change and go. At 5:53 he walked in. He immediately got the ultrasound going. A picture came up. "Do you see what I see?" "Yeah, they grow fast, huh?" Then he kept moving it around and around. He stopped, "I don't see a heartbeat." "I don't see one either." That was the end of the ultrasound. He helped me sit up and I immediately started to cry. I was in total shock. I went from being completely shocked that I was pregnant to accepting and planning for it and now there was no heartbeat. What? OK, now what? Well, the doctor said it would be a painful process to go through on my own since it was a certain size, so he was going to schedule a D&C for Saturday. The rest was a blur. I know more people talked to me and I made another appointment and I have no idea what was said. I know in the middle of all that I texted Chad something like "Baby is dead." Obviously not the most clear-headed moment.

I left the office and felt tears welling up as I got in the elevator. I was able to keep it together until I got within arms distance of the car and I just lost it. I was feeling broken and angry. I told Chad I couldn't go up to Utah. Our long weekend trip wasn't going to happen since I had to be in the hospital on Saturday. I told him he could stay or take the kids up with him, but I just couldn't go. I called my mom in a panic and asked if I could stay with them for the weekend. She said yes, of course, but Chad still wanted me to go and kept trying to convince me. My parents also thought it was the best plan of action for me. I must have been on crazy pills because I agreed. Although I am glad I went, it probably wasn't the smartest choice to make. So we hop into the car and Chad sends a quick message to his sister to tell the rest of the family that I lost the baby so that I didn't have the awkward moments with people congratulating me. I was still digesting it all.

On the road I start to think of what I could have done wrong. Did I eat something wrong? Was I playing too rough with the kids? Should I have done something different? I cry some more and in the process I come down with the sinus infection that Brooklyn had. We arrived in St. George at 1:30 am and I was sick and tired. We finally got into bed around 2am and my nose and eyes were dripping while the kids thought we were having a slumber party and thought giggling and talking would be fun. I think we got about four hours of sleep. Maybe.

Friday was the day of the party. I went out and got some medicine for B and I since we were both feeling pretty bad. Then we decided to get out and try to have some fun. We hit Tai Pan and then met up with Chad's niece (who is our age), her husband and kids to go shopping at the outlets, then grabbed lunch. Still felt sick, so I took a short nap with Brooklyn and then we got ready and headed to the party.

The party was a hit! Roberta was completely surprised and all the family members were able to make it out. She was in tears and so happy to see everyone. I was trying to mix and mingle a bit, but I was getting a lot of people asking me how I was and then I got the cherry on top with a congratulation. I know she meant well, but it hurt to have to tell her I lost the baby and to know it was still inside of me. I wanted to get away then. Tears welled up again. I walked outside and tried to be alone for a second. There were just too many people. I found a spot on the couch and closed my eyes. I felt like the biggest stick in the mud ever, but I also was feeling beat up physically and emotionally. I finally told Chad I just had to go. His mother was understanding and we left.

At the hotel I was called by the hospital and coordinated my surgery. I took more medicine and sat in the hot tub to try to clear up a bit. Later we headed over to Chad's parents house. We spent time with the whole family and Micah had a blast being with cousins around his age. I think he has a crush on Emma. I'll have to let him know they are related. It was a quiet evening and we stayed pretty late since we were heading out early. I am glad we got a little more time in before leaving. I don't think I slept much at all that night.

Saturday morning we packed up haphazardly and headed out at 8 am. I had to fast for the surgery and so I was starving. The kids were fantastic travelers. Seriously, I could not have asked for them to be better. They watched a movie, slept, ate snacks, played games and talked. It made the ride so much easier. We were speeding home when I got a call from the hospital again saying they wanted to move my surgery up. This changed our schedule. We had to keep up the pace. We headed back into town and dropped the kids off at my parents and headed straight to the hospital.

I got checked in and set up in the bed. I was exhausted. I don't think I could have cried if I wanted to. I was just too tired. I got plenty of looks of pity from the nurse and the doctor held my hand and said sorry. I was just kind of numb. Finally, the anesthesiologist came by to give me a "cocktail." I do not remember a thing from there until waking up in the recovery room a while later. I was so out of it. I could hardly open my eyes. I know I changed back into my clothes (I don't know how I did that) and then they wheeled me out to the car. Chad took me home (another thing I don't remember). I crawled into bed and I asked Chad for sushi. I don't know if it was a little bit later or hours later, but I woke up and Chad had a spread of sushi for me. I ate a bit and fell back asleep for a while. I know I saw Brooklyn at some point and she cuddled with me before we both went to bed. Then I was out for the night.

I thought this would be easier, but this morning I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride. I went from being fine and relaxed to sitting on the floor of the shower like a zombie then going weak at the knees in the hallway and just losing it. I am not sure how or why I became so attached to this baby. It was only 9 weeks, but I think I had changed the vision of my life to include it already. I was envisioning our family as a family of five, having a baby shower, giving birth and holding a newborn, seeing the kids fawn over their new baby sibling and bonding with another child. All of it went away. Honestly, I do feel a little broken. I should be able to do this. I have done it twice before, what happened this time? I have received an outpouring of love and support, which is great, but part of me just wants to ignore it all and move on. Like it never happened. I don't know. It is hard to explain. That is where I am at now. I am sure I will be fine, but I just need a little time and space and maybe a shoulder or two to cry on. Luckily, I have two healthy happy kids that won't let me put life on hold, so I won't be long. I promise.

Back to normal?

Yesterday I went to the dr. for a check up and as he viewed the ultrasound he said that he didn't see a heartbeat. I didn't see it either. The baby has died and that is OK. I am still in shock, but it will all be fine. I really don't want any sympathy because I think it will make it harder to get over. I just want to keep on moving with my life like it never really happened. I am dealing with it and I have a lot of support, so it will be fine. I go in for a DNC soon and then I can get back to normal. I just want a break from life for a while. Boring would be just fine with me for the next few weeks!

Who's more traumatized?

Maybe I am too honest with my kids. Today as we were getting ready I told Micah we were going to the doctor to get four shots. He was not excited, but I explained that we were getting shots so that he could go to school and that for every shot he got, I would get him a new car. That didn't get him excited, but at least he wasn't as opposed to it as he was before. So we get ready, jump in the car and head to the doctor's office.

When we arrived, I opened the car door for Micah and he said, "You just hate me." Talk about crushing a mom. I gave him a big hug and told him there is no way I could hate him. I love him so much and have to do this for school or else they won't let him go.

Into the office we go. Feeling kind of crappy now. They take Micah in and the nurse gives him his first two shots. He crumbles. Now I have to turn him around for them to get his other arm and he is still crying. Shot number three was a killer. He screamed so loud my eardrum was hurting. That is when I started to cry. Having your baby in pain is the worst!

So now I am wiping away the tears and the nurse decides to rub salt in the wound. "You know he is going to remember this. They don't remember it when they are babies, but they do at this age." Thanks to Miss Warm and Fuzzy for making it easier on me! As a mom, I take into account all that I know and try to make the best decision for my kids and I think the medical staff should be supportive of that.

From what I know, I do not feel good about giving young babies shots. I don't think they are as safe as they should be. I also consider the sensitive system I have. If the kids have inherited that from me, they could very well get any and all side effects from the shots. That being said, I also feel that they are important to get at one point or another. I choose to wait until my kids are older and sturdier. Totally a personal thought out choice. To each their own. Anyways, although Micah is not a fan of shots and won't be looking forward to more next month, I think the now cars he got help keep his mind off his sore arms!

Zoomars

Today we made a trip down to Zoomar's in San Juan. I think the last time I went was when Micah was two. I'm pretty sure it was with Brooke and Emma. Well, things there have changed. More animals, a playground and more access to the animals. We came in and grabbed some carrots to feed to the animals. Micah was all over it. Brooklyn was fascinated by all of them. We went in the goats pen, played on the playground, sat with the bunnies and ended the day with a shake from Ruby's. I think they had fun, but you will have to check out their faces and decide.

Feeding the pygmy goats.
Brave little girl.
Micah was literally having his own dance party in the middle of the goat pen. He is so awesome!
Brooklyn and the animal she eats most like. Well, she comes by it honestly!
Chad said that Brooklyn looks like Dana Carvey in this picture. I just love her goofy grin!
If there is one animal name she can say well it is cow!
I think I discovered the ugliest chicken ever!
Micah was thrilled to hold the guinea pig even if it was only for about three seconds.
As we left, there was this cool hay bail tractor thing. I had to get a shot!

Making it

Man, I have been sick! Maybe this is a girl after all? Either way, I have been just a rag lately. For instance, last night I went to bed feeling ill and laid there wide awake until 3 am because I was so sick. I don't think I will ever have cilantro dressing again! I kept thinking of how I could hurdle over Chad if I absolutely had to get to the toilet. I was feeling really anxious thinking that this might be how I feel for the next seven months. I can't imagine having to deal with this on top of taking care of my family and working and teaching, etc. Anyways, I got about four hours of sleep and woke up to cartoons, sippy cups, a dirty diaper and more morning sickness. Really? Needless to say I was a bit of an emotional wreck when Chad went to leave for work. Luckily, I have this friend of mine that is like my angel. Susan always calls me when I am in need. It's like she has friend-in-need radar! So she called and we headed to the park with the kids. It was nice to be busy to keep my mind off of feeling so nasty and the kids got a lot of energy out!




...and don't worry, even though I am feeling yucky, the kids are still getting fed and bathed!

Out of the Mouths of Babes 3

Micah is full of great one liners. The thing is that he just doesn't know it. He is just speaking straight from the heart and he cracks me up! Here are a few of the things he has said in the last couple of days.

When my mom blew a bubble that stuck to another bubble.
M-What did you do grandma?
Mom-I blew a bubble.
M-No you didn't, you blew a butt!

When I was on my way home from Target with loads to take in. I had told Micah on the way home once that I would need his help unloading. Once I got home I opened his door to help him out.
Me-OK Micah, I am going to need your help now.
M-Um, I'm talking to Jesus right now.
Me-Sorry to disturb you...

When we went out for a scooter run in the front and the sprinklers came on. I grabbed the kids.
Me-Looks like scooter time is over. Let's go inside.
Micah goes inside pretty unhappy.
M-Mom, why did Jesus turn on the sprinklers?
I don't know why he is so into Jesus right now, but oh well.

When I was too lazy to do Micah's hair the other day and we headed to the Spectrum. I threw a hat on him, which he has never done before. As people walked by he would tip his hat.
M-Howdy do!

When I was talking about having a third baby in the car.
M-Then there would be one two three kids in our family.
Me-Yep, does that sound like fun?
M-I just want two kids in our family. We can put the baby in jail.
Me-I don't think that is a good idea.

Body Memory

Have you ever had someone tell you that your body has a memory? Like when you are starting to work out again and it seems hard, but then you are told it will remember how to do it all and things will tone up because it remembers and luckily it does. Well, my body is remembering pregnancy. Quite well actually. Let's see...with Micah, I didn't look really pregnant until I was five months. Then Brooklyn came along and since my body remembered, I was showing at about three months. Now this unexpected little one drops in and I feel like I am showing already! I think I am only seven weeks and I feel round and gutty. When I say that, I am being honest. I seriously just look chubby for the first bit. It seems to look like a beer gut until about five or six month and it hardens and rounds out. I have been trying to workout to see if I can look more toned through this pregnancy, but the reality is, I have very little time.

Between feeding clothing, bathing and entertaining my kids, I still have to find time to bathe feed and clothe myself and do dishes, laundry, errands, make meals, try to craft, eBay old items, tutoring, teaching Sunday school, etc. I'm having a hard time knocking all of those off my list nowadays since I am not feeling so hot. I am trying to keep myself busy (as if I am not to begin with) with other things to distract myself from being SO tired and just plain yucky feeling. I hope it passes soon. In the meantime, I am trying to be patient with myself and my family as I watch my to do list get longer and longer and the items getting crossed of are fewer and fewer. I told Chad I only expect my house to be completely cleaned every once in a while, but that every once in a while is getting further and further apart! I might have to consider hiring a house keeper once a month just to get the job done. I bet the extra help would be beneficial for both me and my family!

Full Weekend

I am sure we are all over sugared and tired from an Easter holiday, so I will try to keep this short and sweet. Friday we did some Easter activities. We colored eggs and since Baskin Robbins has convinced my son he needs and ice cream cake, we made one at home!Saturday morning we went to Coffee & Cars. It was really cool! If you like cars or has a son who does, you have to do it. Every Saturday morning at the old Ford Design Center parking lot, old and new cars gather to be gawked at and that is just what we did!Easter morning was fun! Micah got up much earlier than Brooklyn did. While she slept he went on his hunt for eggs from the Easter Bunny. He got five new cars and then said "The Easter Bunny spoiled me!" So glad to hear that! Brooklyn woke up later (as always) and got right into the candy. She really didn't want much to do with the basket for a while because she was so focused on the sweets. Can you tell we don't get them often? She finally saw that there was more there than just candy. I think both of them were very happy!After our morning at home, we went to my parents house for brunch. The kids were spoiled again and we got our adult Easter Egg hunt, which means we found cash! It was a nice time to sit and gather and enjoy our Sunday. I hope you all remembered the true meaning of Easter and if you didn't remember, God sent a little earthquake to wake us up. Happy Easter!

It's a....

....BLOB! If I had a scanner I would put in the little ultrasound picture that I got today. Right now, the baby is just a little blob. The doctor gave me a little scare when he said he wanted to see how many there were because I have the look of twins. Scary! Glad there is only one. After being poked and prodded for a while, the doctor has declared everything healthy. I am 6 weeks according to the baby's measurements. So that puts my due date at November 26th. For those of you who don't know (for shame) that is three days after my b-day. I told my doctor how Micah was 7 lb 13 oz and then Brooklyn came in at 8 lb 13 oz and told him I don't think I could do another pound jump, so if this one starts to measure big, then he could come early. That would be fun to have a b-day buddy!

Now we have to figure out what we are having. I'm certain it is a boy. I even find myself calling it him and little brother. It would be a pleasant surprise if it was a girl though. It would be so much easier to combine two little girls rooms rather than a kindergartener and an infant. Either way, it will all work out. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself. Chad is a great support to me and reassures me that things will be fine. I have to trust in him and the path my life is taking. I know that I am being looked after. At times I have a hard time remembering that and feel overwhelmed. I'm glad I have several months to get used to this and prepare for the new addition.