Through the Wringer

This is going to be a long post. I figured if I get it all out then it will help me pick up and move on. Here is how it went:

Thursday I spent the day cleaning and packing for our trip to Utah. Chad's sister had planned a surprise party for his mom about six months ago and we were going to head up. I was just waiting for my doctor's appointment at 5 pm and then we would jump on the freeway and go. Chad dropped me off at the doctor and took the kids. I went in and waited to be seen. I was put in a room at 5:15 and waited and waited. It was taking forever. I told myself if it got to 5:55 I was going to change and go. At 5:53 he walked in. He immediately got the ultrasound going. A picture came up. "Do you see what I see?" "Yeah, they grow fast, huh?" Then he kept moving it around and around. He stopped, "I don't see a heartbeat." "I don't see one either." That was the end of the ultrasound. He helped me sit up and I immediately started to cry. I was in total shock. I went from being completely shocked that I was pregnant to accepting and planning for it and now there was no heartbeat. What? OK, now what? Well, the doctor said it would be a painful process to go through on my own since it was a certain size, so he was going to schedule a D&C for Saturday. The rest was a blur. I know more people talked to me and I made another appointment and I have no idea what was said. I know in the middle of all that I texted Chad something like "Baby is dead." Obviously not the most clear-headed moment.

I left the office and felt tears welling up as I got in the elevator. I was able to keep it together until I got within arms distance of the car and I just lost it. I was feeling broken and angry. I told Chad I couldn't go up to Utah. Our long weekend trip wasn't going to happen since I had to be in the hospital on Saturday. I told him he could stay or take the kids up with him, but I just couldn't go. I called my mom in a panic and asked if I could stay with them for the weekend. She said yes, of course, but Chad still wanted me to go and kept trying to convince me. My parents also thought it was the best plan of action for me. I must have been on crazy pills because I agreed. Although I am glad I went, it probably wasn't the smartest choice to make. So we hop into the car and Chad sends a quick message to his sister to tell the rest of the family that I lost the baby so that I didn't have the awkward moments with people congratulating me. I was still digesting it all.

On the road I start to think of what I could have done wrong. Did I eat something wrong? Was I playing too rough with the kids? Should I have done something different? I cry some more and in the process I come down with the sinus infection that Brooklyn had. We arrived in St. George at 1:30 am and I was sick and tired. We finally got into bed around 2am and my nose and eyes were dripping while the kids thought we were having a slumber party and thought giggling and talking would be fun. I think we got about four hours of sleep. Maybe.

Friday was the day of the party. I went out and got some medicine for B and I since we were both feeling pretty bad. Then we decided to get out and try to have some fun. We hit Tai Pan and then met up with Chad's niece (who is our age), her husband and kids to go shopping at the outlets, then grabbed lunch. Still felt sick, so I took a short nap with Brooklyn and then we got ready and headed to the party.

The party was a hit! Roberta was completely surprised and all the family members were able to make it out. She was in tears and so happy to see everyone. I was trying to mix and mingle a bit, but I was getting a lot of people asking me how I was and then I got the cherry on top with a congratulation. I know she meant well, but it hurt to have to tell her I lost the baby and to know it was still inside of me. I wanted to get away then. Tears welled up again. I walked outside and tried to be alone for a second. There were just too many people. I found a spot on the couch and closed my eyes. I felt like the biggest stick in the mud ever, but I also was feeling beat up physically and emotionally. I finally told Chad I just had to go. His mother was understanding and we left.

At the hotel I was called by the hospital and coordinated my surgery. I took more medicine and sat in the hot tub to try to clear up a bit. Later we headed over to Chad's parents house. We spent time with the whole family and Micah had a blast being with cousins around his age. I think he has a crush on Emma. I'll have to let him know they are related. It was a quiet evening and we stayed pretty late since we were heading out early. I am glad we got a little more time in before leaving. I don't think I slept much at all that night.

Saturday morning we packed up haphazardly and headed out at 8 am. I had to fast for the surgery and so I was starving. The kids were fantastic travelers. Seriously, I could not have asked for them to be better. They watched a movie, slept, ate snacks, played games and talked. It made the ride so much easier. We were speeding home when I got a call from the hospital again saying they wanted to move my surgery up. This changed our schedule. We had to keep up the pace. We headed back into town and dropped the kids off at my parents and headed straight to the hospital.

I got checked in and set up in the bed. I was exhausted. I don't think I could have cried if I wanted to. I was just too tired. I got plenty of looks of pity from the nurse and the doctor held my hand and said sorry. I was just kind of numb. Finally, the anesthesiologist came by to give me a "cocktail." I do not remember a thing from there until waking up in the recovery room a while later. I was so out of it. I could hardly open my eyes. I know I changed back into my clothes (I don't know how I did that) and then they wheeled me out to the car. Chad took me home (another thing I don't remember). I crawled into bed and I asked Chad for sushi. I don't know if it was a little bit later or hours later, but I woke up and Chad had a spread of sushi for me. I ate a bit and fell back asleep for a while. I know I saw Brooklyn at some point and she cuddled with me before we both went to bed. Then I was out for the night.

I thought this would be easier, but this morning I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride. I went from being fine and relaxed to sitting on the floor of the shower like a zombie then going weak at the knees in the hallway and just losing it. I am not sure how or why I became so attached to this baby. It was only 9 weeks, but I think I had changed the vision of my life to include it already. I was envisioning our family as a family of five, having a baby shower, giving birth and holding a newborn, seeing the kids fawn over their new baby sibling and bonding with another child. All of it went away. Honestly, I do feel a little broken. I should be able to do this. I have done it twice before, what happened this time? I have received an outpouring of love and support, which is great, but part of me just wants to ignore it all and move on. Like it never happened. I don't know. It is hard to explain. That is where I am at now. I am sure I will be fine, but I just need a little time and space and maybe a shoulder or two to cry on. Luckily, I have two healthy happy kids that won't let me put life on hold, so I won't be long. I promise.