Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Not a tear

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I feel like I am getting stronger, but the emotions are still up and down even without tears. I think it is hormones. The emotions are similar to when I had the other two. The difference being that you normally get a high with the baby and bonding with it and the lows come from exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. Now I have to try and feel my way through this all without a baby. I am hoping it all evens out soon.

In a way I feel broken. I mean, this is supposed to be an innate quality that a woman holds, right? I should be able to conceive and carry a healthy child. I have done it twice before. Part of me wants to get pregnant again to kind of prove to myself that I am OK. I heard that this is pretty common and that some use this as a healing method. I can't do that. This pregnancy was a total surprise and although we would have been able to make it work, it would be tight. I can't knowingly put my family into a financial bind to prove to myself that I am still biologically sound. That just wouldn't be responsible. I know God provides, but he also helps those who help themselves. I don't think it is a good idea to just have kids and throw my hands up and say "OK God, I'm waiting."

So far I have made a few realized a few things. For one, I never thought I would desire another child the way I do now. I really do want a third and feel like I can handle being a mother of three. I also realize what a miracle it is to carry and deliver a healthy child to full term. It makes me cherish my kids even more and feel blessed. Now, I obviously understand and empathize with those who have been through a miscarriage. I really used to think nothing of it, but I was so wrong. It is a loss at any stage of the game. I am sure I have many more lessons to learn, but I am trying to negotiate with God to make them easier to learn!

4 Quick Thoughts:

Janice said...

My prayers are with you and your family ~

Carrie Braunalicious said...

So much to say, but wanted you to know that I think you're amazing.
You're right- it's a loss no matter how early it may be, and you're so smart to recognize Micah and Brooklyn as even bigger blessings now that you've been through this.
What you said yesterday about feeling broken made me think about how I felt after my csection. Like, wasn't I CREATED to give birth and you're telling me I CAN'T? It's a hard feeling- one that I'm still not over. I'm so glad we can be there for each other as we navigate through these crazy life challenges.
And again, you're amazing. For absolutely no reason other than just who you are.

Russ and Debbie said...

Rach, I'm sorry... I didn't know until just now. I just left you a message. Please let me know if there is anything I can do! I can bring more sushi!!!!! I know you like riptide!!!!! :) And you can never go wrong with the Galaxy Roll!!!!!!

Chelle said...

I know this blog isn't really related to what you're going through, but I just found it today & like it, so if you want to blog-stalk a stranger & if it gets you to laugh at life's harships it's