Not a tear

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I feel like I am getting stronger, but the emotions are still up and down even without tears. I think it is hormones. The emotions are similar to when I had the other two. The difference being that you normally get a high with the baby and bonding with it and the lows come from exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. Now I have to try and feel my way through this all without a baby. I am hoping it all evens out soon.

In a way I feel broken. I mean, this is supposed to be an innate quality that a woman holds, right? I should be able to conceive and carry a healthy child. I have done it twice before. Part of me wants to get pregnant again to kind of prove to myself that I am OK. I heard that this is pretty common and that some use this as a healing method. I can't do that. This pregnancy was a total surprise and although we would have been able to make it work, it would be tight. I can't knowingly put my family into a financial bind to prove to myself that I am still biologically sound. That just wouldn't be responsible. I know God provides, but he also helps those who help themselves. I don't think it is a good idea to just have kids and throw my hands up and say "OK God, I'm waiting."

So far I have made a few realized a few things. For one, I never thought I would desire another child the way I do now. I really do want a third and feel like I can handle being a mother of three. I also realize what a miracle it is to carry and deliver a healthy child to full term. It makes me cherish my kids even more and feel blessed. Now, I obviously understand and empathize with those who have been through a miscarriage. I really used to think nothing of it, but I was so wrong. It is a loss at any stage of the game. I am sure I have many more lessons to learn, but I am trying to negotiate with God to make them easier to learn!